Healing Trauma Isn’t Just About Feeling Calm: It’s About Feeling
The Calm Trap
When people imagine healing, they often picture calm: peaceful mornings, steady breathing, finally “having it all together.” But here’s the truth: your nervous system wasn’t designed to be calm all the time. Real healing isn’t about chasing constant calm- it’s about being able to feel what’s here and knowing you’re safe enough to stay with it. Whether you’re navigating postpartum anxiety, untangling old trauma, or simply trying to show up as the parent or person you want to be, emotion regulation—not endless calm—is what creates lasting change.
Many people come to therapy saying: “If I could just stop feeling anxious, I’d be okay.” Calm can feel wonderful, but striving for it can backfire. If calm doesn’t come easily, it can feel like failure (“Why can’t I just calm down?!”)
The nervous system naturally cycles between activation and rest. Anxiety, stress, and even irritation aren’t signs you’re “broken”- they’re your body doing its best to respond to what’s around you. Instead of forcing yourself into stillness, what if you focused on what your body is responding to- and who or what helps you feel safe, seen, and supported?
Emotion Regulation Heals What Calm Alone Can’t
Trauma, postpartum stress, anxiety, and isolation often leave you feeling flooded, numb, or stuck. The path forward isn’t about forcing calm. It’s about building emotion regulation skills that give your nervous system more flexibility.
When you’ve been through too much, your nervous system does its best to protect you- but in doing so, it can leave you feeling unable to tolerate discomfort. Emotion regulation doesn’t mean shutting emotions down- it means expanding your ability to ride them without getting swept away.
Emotion regulation begins with gentle curiosity about what’s happening inside you (spoiler: it’s probably not all calm, peaceful sensations, emotions, and thoughts). When you then share those real experiences in a safe space, your nervous system starts to learn that even the uncomfortable can be tolerated. When you feel like you have more capacity to tolerate what is here (without trying to force your experiences into something they’re not), your body gets the message: I’m safe. I’m not in danger anymore. It’s ok to feel this now.
Therapy as a Tool for Regulation
Therapy doesn’t promise a stress-free life or teach you how to “just relax.” Instead, it helps you strengthen regulation through safe relationships- with your therapist, with your body, with yourself, and eventually with others. Calm may come and go, but regulation is what makes you resilient.
When you feel supported and seen, your nervous system has the chance to do something it couldn’t do before: trust. That’s why therapy can be so transformative. Not because it creates calm, but because it creates safety. And from safety, you gain capacity to feel all you feelings, and just maybe even feel more calm.
Practices That Nurture Emotion Regulation
Here are a few small ways to practice emotion regulation in daily life:
Orienting: Pause, look around, and notice something pleasant in your environment. Then check in with your body. Do you feel a shift, even a tiny one?
Reach Out: Send a text to a trusted friend, even if it’s just: “Thinking of you.”
Body Check: Instead of asking “Am I calm?” try asking “What do I notice in my body right now?”
Safe Touch: Place a hand over your heart or hold your baby and notice your breath syncing together.
Healing in Therapy
At Wise Roots Therapy, I specialize in trauma therapy, EMDR, and perinatal mental health support for moms and parents across Tennessee. In our work together, you don’t have to pretend to be calm. Instead, we’ll focus on building the kind of regulation skills that allow your body and nervous system to truly heal.
If you’re ready to explore trauma therapy, EMDR, or postpartum support, I’d love to connect with you. Reach out for a free consultation today.